


crawls like a worm

by fracturedvaels



Series: tumblr fics and writing scraps [4]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 14:46:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4141752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fracturedvaels/pseuds/fracturedvaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young Carver Hawke and the start of his abandonment issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	crawls like a worm

Bethany fully comes into her magic at eleven. She’s so excited. Carver tries to be excited, too. He asks her what it feels like, how she knew. She says she felt it all along; she says she felt the tingle in her bones, the burn in her stomach, the buzz behind her eyes, could taste the Fade. She always had such intense, vivid dreams. Carver didn’t dream as much as she did. (He stopped talking about dreams when he was five, when he summarized it as ‘i don’t dream’ and Garrett mimicked him in a mocking tone, then said ‘only stupid people don’t dream’. Mother cuffed him upside the head, but Carver remembered it, and Carver never talked about dreams again.)

He felt something in his stomach, too, as she described it, but it was uneasiness. He didn’t have any magic in him. He couldn’t taste the Fade or dream intensely. He couldn’t conjure small wisps or spark small fires, and when she went off with Garrett and Father into the forest for two weeks to start training in private, Carver was left behind with Mother.

She hadn’t really paid attention to him and Beth when they were left behind, mostly worrying and cleaning. Carver could understand, he guessed. She was worried if Father and Garrett would come back, or if they’d be killed, or spotted by Templars, or something else terrible. She’d make dinner, of course, and something to eat for lunch but mostly they’d be left to their own devices.

It seemed worse without Beth. Lonelier. It still didn’t quite hit him till he tried playing the same games he’d play with Beth and they just seemed empty. Pointless. He was miserable.

There was one other child in the village their age. Ben. They didn’t play often but Carver guessed they were friends, till one day Ben came over. They walked to the fields and Ben caught and crushed bugs, and it was okay for a few minutes till Ben asked, “Where’s Bethany?”

It stung. Carver didn’t know why. Beth got along better with people, she was cheerful and talkative and Carver never knew what to say so he just sat quietly and watched. He shrugged, and a weird feeling sprung up, a voice at the back of his head asking _why? am I not good enough?_

 _“_ Went to see family. Like Garrett and Papa do.”

“Why didn’t you go?” Ben crouched down and pulled a ladybug off of a stalk. It was bright red and squirmed as he slowly pressed his fingers together. “You never go to see your family.”

“I don’t know.” Carver wanted to tell him to stop, to let the bug go, but he couldn’t find the courage. He felt overwhelmed.

“They never take you,” Ben points out. He pauses his squeezing to watch the ladybug squirm more. “Always leaving you behind. Do they just not want you around or something?”

Ben suddenly squashed his fingers together, squeezing the life out of the bug. Carver felt like he was the one that had been squeezed. He knew why he couldn’t go. He didn’t have magic. He wasn’t special like Beth or Garrett. Ben smeared the bug between his fingers, then wiped it off on his pants, but when he’d turned around Carver had wandered off. He didn’t follow his friend.

Carver walked back to the house. His mother didn’t acknowledge him as he entered and he hung in the door for a minute; for some reason, he hoped to catch her attention. He wanted her to notice him. But she was too busy, chopping something or washing something; he coudn’t see or hear well, the world seemed so fuzzy and distant.

He thought of calling out to her but even now she seemed out of reach. _Everyone_  seemed out of reach. Every _thing_. His sister, his brother, their father, now their mother.

Carver pushed the door shut behind him and went to his and Garrett’s shared bunk, wondering how long the clawing, dragging emptiness would last.

**Author's Note:**

> come listen to my cy about carver hawke @ http://princetheirin.tumblr.com/


End file.
